Author Topic: Advice needed  (Read 1377 times)

bkdileep

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Advice needed
« on: December 02, 2014, 11:13:56 AM »
Well, I summarize it this way: I got married 1.5 years ago. My wife is also working. I have two unmarried sisters. I am living with my parents, sister and wife. The house is not convenient for 6 members. Things were fine but I do not know how to balance wife and family. So my wife took most of the stress. I used to behave with her rather rudely at times when she became stubborn. Things broke out in this March and my wife's mother was upset because of this. She approached my relatives and complicated our problem.
Our parents/sisters never had any idea what was going on and were shocked to know what happened suddenly.
Well, me and wife stayed separately for almost a month and rejoined in the same combined family. Before coming she strongly insisted on separate family. My parents and sisters  hated her for that. Later she told me that she want to continue in the same family and said it was not fair on her part to separate. But the image of the disturbance did not go out of my parents and sisters mind. My sisters really stopped talking to her and even if they talk they do not make any eye contact. They stopped talking to me. My parents were in 50-50 state. I want to search good matches for my sisters and get them married. But in this environment it seems impossible.
Last week, an argument broke between my sister and my wife and it worsened the things. My family is spending entire time in the day reciting the allegations on my wife and constructing new allegations. I do not know what to do. My biggest fear is - this might break my wife down and she might start hating the family. Till now, she asks me to find good matches for my sisters ASAP so that their insecurities will be gone and we can stay with parents together. But after the recent brawl, we both got an idea:

I am going to drop her at her mother's for couple of months at least and tell at home that she got transferred to Bangalore (she is working).
And I am thinking my family members may cool down during this time (Don't know - can't help if they spend this time by recollecting, reinterpreting what she said). I am thinking, by sticking together I will make situations even worse. Apart from this only other alternative is to start a separate family (which I do not want to), but that might complicate the things further.
I do not know which one is complicated. But both my wife and me agreed with the proposal that I keep her at her mothers and pretend that she is working in Bangalore.

(In this entire thing, if I retrospect I see most of the faults from my side. I was not able to grasp what my wife wants. This caused a big rift in family)
Please advice if you can. It has been very long since I slept peacefully.
1. Am I complicating things by enacting this?
2. Should I have come separated? (But my father is not earning, nor is he kind of person who can get my sisters married)
3. Should I continue in the same house with the hope that things will get better by themselves?


Kila

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Re: Advice needed
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2014, 07:26:11 AM »
Jai Sai Master!!

Many times you were saying, your wife is good and acted good. It solves half of the problem. I mean 50% of the
problem does not exist at all.

Now, u r parents and sisters. TO BE very honest and with all my knowledge, I say, they should not be given
that much importance in life. It should be like, In decision making you should be the leader and they should not be
considered. You and ur wife should be given utmost authority. In day to day life ie. in small things like living together
in the same house - those daily things - they should be given good respect all the time.

In the life from here on, u must give greater role and responsibility to ur wife, but due respect to ur other family. Not that, they rule the things, they should not.

You should be strong enough in cutting them down, asking them to give due respect to your wife.
You should be very strong in this. Let them go to hell, if they dont talk to ur wife or have anger at her.
But make sure they get respected from hearts of you and your wife, that you can show in smaller things.

Hope I conveyed the things.
You may tell them that she got transferred to Bangalore. But later it will come out, your sis and mom will then say,
she cheated you by telling the transfer of job lie. So, you can strongly say she wants to go to her home and will come
after some rest or some time for her she want to go there. What the problem of these people, bulldoze them
in matters that count. Life doesn't come so cheaply, we have to respect the process and stop silly things.
Even the elder's advises are like that, once you are married, yes ur responsibility  is to get ur sisters married. Apart from that
they are lesser in there role. Parents must take vanaprastha or that kind of role which helps them advance devotionally and spiritually.

Like anywhere else, family must have a leader and its your role.You asked, should I Continue the same house and hope things will get better by themselves.
That never happens.

bkdileep

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Re: Advice needed
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2014, 03:14:26 PM »
Jai Sai Ram
I love them all equally. All I need is that negativity should go off. That's it. Best is when peace is achieved when everyone comes to agreement.
I do not think Master would ever advice to leave parents - go with wife or leave wife stay with parents. My wife had her faults too. I had my faults too. Similarly they are having theirs. I can not forsake one for other because I feel it is not Dharma.
I am in Dharma Sankatam here. What would Dharma requires me to do. I need to help my sisters settle in life, get them married. I can not let my wife take blame for something she did very long back. I want to avoid 'pulla virupu maatalu' for her. I want her to have better life and peace because she married me. I want my sisters not to feel insecure. I am asking what Master would have suggested as I believe he was best Grhastha.

I am sorry to dump this topic in this forum. One of the reasons is - whatever we me may do parayana or prayer, I think they should address how we function ourselves in daily things. How to make others lives better, safer. So I want to introduce one of these problems to the younger people in forum who are yet to start married life. I want them to learn how to behave with wife (not repeat my mistakes), how to balance their living.

If this situation can not be helped at all, at least please advice how to take blames and stay calm (not get angry, stock up frustration).

SaiRam

Kila

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Re: Advice needed
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2014, 11:16:39 PM »
Quote
I can not forsake one for other because I feel it is not Dharma.
Not correct. Unless you are ideal Kilogram weight, kept in some lab, made up of rare material, never touched or moved and also g - the gravitational force of earth does not change at all. If you are like that, like einstein or edison, in that case, you will forsake both of them. :)

Every family has its own situation in these cases. What I wrote is generalized view and damage preventing. In fact, that should be the way according to me. Me here stands for, what I have learnt from various seen and unseen cases and from respected people around.

At the end of the day, Man is the leader of the house. For whatever reason,
Case A: Man leaves/damages the family structure, he destroyed his own castle. No more discussion needed.
Case B: Suppose wife leaves him, its an irreparable loss especially for the children. If parents or sisters leave I I I don't think it counts that much,if at all it counts.
« Last Edit: December 03, 2014, 11:21:52 PM by Kila »

Saiuttampallavi

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Re: Advice needed
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2014, 07:27:11 PM »
Jai Sai Master.

Dileep garu,

I have four sisters and we also gone through similar experiences you have shared. One sister's mother-in-law lives with my elder sister but she also lives with her other sons. Another sister's in-laws and sisters live in an apartment in the same complex where  my sister's family lives to have their own privacy.

Daughter-in-law is a new addition to the family. 1.5 years is short time to come to any conclusion of living separately. Small space, more number of members living under the same roof with daughter-in-law working doesnt please everyone's expectations in the family. Elders have to teach younger ones to show more patience and more acceptance of the facts and other's mistakes with broad mindedness. Today's  daughter is tomorrow's daughter-in-law with similar experiences happening in other home. This is on one side of the coin. Other side daughter-in-law and son need to accept the fact that this family needs support both financially and morally till the sisters get married. If everyone maintains the harmony with patience and acceptance of each other's mistakes, living together has many advantages as we all know.

Personally we have printed and pasted Master gari words from the Paarayana Books((shared below) in our home where we can easily read and remember to reduce the anger and hard feelings in our minds. This has helped us to think for few more minutes.

source:
http://www.saibharadwaja.org/books/saibabathemaster/sayingsofsaibaba.aspx

"If anybody comes and abuses you or punishes you, do not quarrel with him. If you cannot endure it, speak a simple word or two, or else leave the place. But do not battle with him and give tit for a tat. I feel sick and disgusted when you quarrel with others ? Do not fight with any; nor scandalise any. When one talks ill of you, pass on unperturbed. His words cannot pierce your body. Others acts will affect them only and not you. It is only your acts that will affect them only and not you. It is only your acts that will affect you. If others hate us, let us take to nama japa and avoid them ? Do not bark at people; do not be pugnacious. Bear with other?s reproach ? This is the way to happiness. Let others and the world turn topsy-turvy, but do not mind that; keep on to your own straight course. The world maintains a wall ? between oneself and others. Destroy this wall. God is the supreme Lord."

source:
http://www.saibharadwaja.org/books/hazarathtajuddinbaba/readhtb.aspx?book=42&chapter=6

"Never hurt the feelings of , or cause pain to, any human heart. "

source:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarada_Devi

"If you want peace of mind, do not find fault with others. Rather see your own faults. Learn to make the whole world your own. No one is a stranger my child: this whole world is your own!"

15-30 minutes of reading Master gari pravachanamulu especially first 5 or 6 chapters on every Thursday or Saturdat evening by requesting all to sit near the puja place should help everyone.

We also have shared Amma gari speeches with all our sisters. This also helped us a lot. Amma gari darshanam if living in Hyderabad will be beneficial.

http://www.saibharadwaja.org/pages/speeches.aspx

In spite of all the best efforts if differences still remain, that needs to be discussed openly individually and in front of all without going into heated arguments or raising voice (which will end up leaving a permanent negative impressions in everyone's hearts)  and to be discussed the plans for contributing to the family's responsibilities financially and morally even while living separately. This will make everyone understand how it is not a good decision but taken only in the interests of maintaining harmony in the family. Every family will have someone who is wise and elderly. Taking his/her suggestions before taking any decision helps and he/she can discuss with parents and in-laws.

Jai Sai Master.
Jai Sai Master.

Kila

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Re: Advice needed
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2014, 11:28:34 PM »
@Saiuttampallavi, U have put many important points together.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2014, 11:30:16 PM by Kila »

Raghuram

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Re: Advice needed
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2014, 11:50:34 AM »
jai saimaster!

Dileep garu, I would like to share few things and I hope you don't mind :)

I too have been in situations where I was in-between the 'two parties'. And there have been sleepless nights too..So, to some extent I know how painful it is. These painful conditions, though painful, are good in a way that they are potent to bring about the right change in us. Nothing else can change (towards right path) than these, i think.

You talked about three things, in a nutshell. 1) How to solve the problem 2) What is the right thing to do? 3) How can you be at peace?
I sincerely think that the biggest problem for all of us is that we tie these three things together. We think that we want to solve the problem by doing the right thing which will give us peace. But, If you follow the dharma, it may still not solve the problem. It requires other parties also to fully understand what you are saying according to dharma and follow it. And if your peace of mind is tied to the results of the actions you have taken, then it may not result is peace.

If I were in your position, I would put these questions to myself. And this is also the journey my mind would take.

1) Where does the peace of mind come from? How can it be achieved?
2) Is my peace of mind attached or dependent on others?
3) If so, can I ever achieve peace?
4) What is the right thing to do?
5) Can I do the right thing and still stay at peace even though it hurts the mother/sister/wife?

I think the peace of mind comes from being content within ourselves. The more it is dependent on others/outside agencies, the more the mind will suffer. And what is the current situation demanding? Is this a chance to see where peace lies? Isn't the situation forcing us to look deep into ourselves?

This thing: 'the peace of mind comes from being content within ourselves'. Isn't this true for all human beings? And if it is true, then isn't the right thing to do is explaining to them this fact? Ofcourse..If they don't listen or understand, what needs to be done depends on your 'loukhyam' :)

Bhagavadgita, i believe is one of those you like very much and I believe this topic is talked about there...

jai saimaster!

bkdileep

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Re: Advice needed
« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2015, 03:47:13 PM »
SaiRam to all
Pranams to Master
Thank you all for the suggestions. Thanks for being a good guide.
Saiuttampallavi garu - following your advice will make one free from bondage (karma bandham)
It is difficult to follow (keeping calm and peace when there is unrest, trying to be calm when you know you have a serpent/fire next to you.)
I will pray to baba to grant me strength to at least try for it.

Dwarakanath

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Re: Advice needed
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2015, 07:21:11 PM »
Jai Sai Master!

First of all, your wife left everyone she had and came away with you to your home. And you are all she has got. If your parents or other members do not like her company, keep them seperate. You live with your wife. It is better to be in a helping relationship than a hostile one, and it is important that your wife has some level of comfort with your family remaining so that she can help them out if they need her and vice-versa. There fore it is better to keep a safe distance than to breed further problems. Start a seperate family and build bridges is what I suggest.

It is key that you try to reduce your parents' insecurity by talking to them, but it is more important to take care of your family life. In marriage that is what you promised in front of all gods! If your parents are adamantly feeling insecure that you are taking your wife's side rest assured that that is what you need to do anyways. You should not mistreat or disrespect your parents/sister. You need not and should not hide away or anyway dilute your relationship with your wife for fear of your parents' feelings. Take care of your parents while you take care of your wife. As long as YOU do that, and keep them safely away from each other, you would know who is going wrong. I feel that if it is some kind of ill feeling or insecurity that your parents/sister are feeling, then it should be addressed but not at all at the cost of your family life and relationship with your wife.
Your wife seems excellent in allowing you to drop her at her mothers' place. That shows me (from what you wrote) that problem exists in the mind of your parents. Just keep your parents and your wife seperate, support all of them to the best of your ability and create situations where positive feelings might arise between them. But the solution you arrived at does not seem appropriate. Your wife need not hide because of how your parents think. As long as you know that your wife did not do anything wrong, it is imperative that you support her to the fullest. And please do not listen to complaints about the other person from either your wife or your mother or your sister. If they have problems, keep them seperate thats all.


Secondly, no human is perfect. Mistakes could be on all sides. Negotiating carefully is key. And you have to take the lead. No one else should tell you how you should lead your life nor how you should take care of your wife (provided you are taking good care of her that is). Make your wife as comfortable as possible, try to lead her to the right path in life just like you would lead or guide a friend. She is you and you are she. Remember that. There is a similar question in Master's Pariprasna (I would love if some one else posts the link) which explains how one should handle situations like this.

Oh, btw.. this is just my opinion.. Think it through yourself.
Jai Sai Master!!