Author Topic: Disciplining Kids, The secret  (Read 19509 times)

Dwarakanath

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2462
    • View Profile
Disciplining Kids, The secret
« on: March 11, 2008, 01:04:22 AM »
Jai Sai Master!

The secret to giving kids the right discipline is through Love. Show them your love.

Amma never used to punish us harshly (ofcourse, She did give me some punishments, twice in my life, that too just with scoldings, when I deserved them) but used Love to make me right. She used to show that She felt really bad when we were wrong. She would show that She was upset because we didnt study or because we did something wrong. Not with Scoldings, but out of loving Her, we used to say sorry and never repeat the mistake again.

For example, one day when I went to a movie with friends without telling Amma (when I was 5th class), She got really angry and made me stand before Master's photo and promise that I would never do that again. Then She was still upset and did not eat that night and the next day morning. When I asked Her why She didnt, She said that She would not eat because I did so. And She really looked upset rather than angry. It broke my heart. I felt as if I should die. I felt I hurted Amma really deeply and really made up my mind to never do that again. Till today, I do not do anything without Amma's permission.

It was Her love, and the value of the discipline that She showed us, that changed me. If She just scolded and made a fuss of it, all that happens is that I would get used to getting scolded and never would have bothered much with Her later training and correcting my mistakes even when She would scold. Instead of wasting Her breath, She showed me how much She got upset because of what  I did and that made me change.

I think this is the right way to go. Master also almost never scolded us unless it is a really serious matter. The most serious thing that He scolded me for was wasting time. All the other time, He would just say that He would not talk to us and would tell us how wrong we were and how we were going to get bad results by doing such things. The very fact that He was avoiding us after doing  a mistake would make us repent, as we loved Him so much. Those were the ways in which we learnt unforgettable lessons.

Just wanted to share so that it could be helpful for the parents and would be parents there.

Jai Sai Master!!

Ananth

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 778
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2008, 02:29:54 AM »
Jai Sai Master, Babu garu..
Jai Sai Master, Sai Bandhus..

Babu garu, thank you very much for the wonderful tips and lessons. It really gave me a lot of insight. I was just kinda hoping that somebody would take this topic out because there are a couple of other things that's been bothering me.

How do we teach our kids regarding survival?

For example, we try our best to teach my kid about what Master and Baba used to say, about treating others and sharing what we have. One day, there were 4 or 5 kids including my daughter Sweta. All of them got toys as gifts. Immediately they opened and they were playing. Suddenly all the 4 were bored of their toys. One of them came to Sweta and was trying to snatch the toys from her. She did not want to give it and she looked at me. I told her, give one toy to that kid he will play and when it's time to go home, he will return it back to you. Sweta immediately gave the toy that the boy wanted. In just 2 minutes, he threw that toy and he came back to snatch one more of her toy.

During this difficult circumstance, what should I teach her? should I ask her to give one more and if yes, if what to do, when that kid comes back to ask all of them?

In the same way, we teach her (she will be 4 pretty soon) that we should never hurt animals, but whenever the animals try to attack you (dogs for example) then you have to fight back. But we make sure to tell her that usually, animals never ever hurt us.

It is pretty amazing Babu garu, the way kids grasp if we teach them the correct way.

And the fine line between survival on side, where a kid needs to develop the self-confidence by assertion, and love, sympathy, and universal brotherhood on the other side, where a kid needs to develop helping others selflessly, that fine line is so tough to teach the kids and that's where I am lost a little bit Babu garu.

Just as an example, to close my thread, it really makes me wonder how low people can fall to, even with the thoughts. Last weekend, Canada had snow storm on the eastern states while the western states where I live were enjoying the mild weather of 15 degrees C inspite of being winter. Newscaster asked people here, do you feel sorry for the easterners. They outrighthly and categorically said they don't feel sorry and infact they are going to call everyone they know who are in east and tell them and make them jealous. The exact same kind of feeling will be developed by the kids too.

Regards Babu garu,
Jai Sai Master!

Ananth
Jai Sai Master!
Jai Swamy Sai!

Swarup

  • Guest
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2008, 02:54:22 AM »
First I like to thank dwarakanath garu and saimasterforum_team for this sub-category. This is needed for new parents and I should quote several of my frends here having some vexed up questions and frustrations in raising kids and they tell the same sentence always " what is the correct way? what I am doing for my kid is it correct? how to know that this is correct? we never took a formal course on child raising?  :D so how to know what is correct?"
May be this sub-category in our forum, atleast if not answer will help find answers for many of those questions.

Om sai ram

vasu

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 370
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2008, 03:12:58 AM »
Jai Sai Master!
Well, I believe it varies from kid to kid. There is a saying in telugu "Mokkai vanganidi Mranai vanguna" (pretty much translates in English to "spare the rod, spoil the child".  :)) literally translates to "if it can't bend as a plant, how can it bend as a tree?". That was my dad's favorite quote :).


Anyway. My question is WHY DO WE NEED DISCIPLINE IN THE FIRST PLACE?. I MEAN WHY? WHY CAN'T I DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO. I say, parents show the kids how to live by example and leave the rest to the kids. That's exactly what my parents did. Ofcourse, I got beaten some times when I made them anxious say by not returning home on time.

Jai Sai Master!

vasu

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 370
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2008, 03:15:06 AM »
Jai Sai Master!
Well, I believe it varies from kid to kid. There is a saying in telugu "Mokkai vanganidi Mranai vanguna" (pretty much translates in English to "spare the rod, spoil the child".  :)) literally translates to "if it can't bend as a plant, how can it bend as a tree?". That was my dad's favorite quote :).


Anyway. My question is WHY DO WE NEED DISCIPLINE IN THE FIRST PLACE?. I MEAN WHY? WHY CAN'T I DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO. I say, parents show the kids how to live by example and leave the rest to the kids. That's exactly what my parents did. Ofcourse, I got beaten some times when I made them anxious say by not returning home on time.
That was not actually disciplining. That was just their reaction after so much anxiety on my whereabouts. That just showed how much they cared for me.

Jai Sai Master!

Dwarakanath

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2462
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2008, 03:40:49 AM »
Jai Sai Master!
Well, I believe it varies from kid to kid. There is a saying in telugu "Mokkai vanganidi Mranai vanguna" (pretty much translates in English to "spare the rod, spoil the child".  :)) literally translates to "if it can't bend as a plant, how can it bend as a tree?". That was my dad's favorite quote :).


Anyway. My question is WHY DO WE NEED DISCIPLINE IN THE FIRST PLACE?. I MEAN WHY? WHY CAN'T I DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO. I say, parents show the kids how to live by example and leave the rest to the kids. That's exactly what my parents did. Ofcourse, I got beaten some times when I made them anxious say by not returning home on time.

Jai Sai Master!

Jai Sai Master!!

Beating up kids is the final last last last last last thing one resorts to, when one is not wise enough to see another choice. I am sorry, no offence to anyone here, but I cannot but say this. It is like suicide. Especially beating up kids below 15 is very bad. Punish them with methods that strengthen them, make them brave and determined, strong of body and mind, not with those things that make them weak, fearful and stubborn. Master was very against those who beats kids. He used to say that kids should be afraid that their parents MIGHT get angry, not that they ARE angry. Master used to say that if you have to punish your kid, use soft sticks (like those of coconut broom) and hit them below knees with those. They sting but dont hurt. This too after everything else fails and if you HAVE to do it.

When ever I hear that some one slapped their kid, my blood boils. Who do they think they are?  What right do they have to slap a kid who is none other than Baba? I am very against it. I get really angry when that happens. Irrespective of years of prayers and practice, this is one of the few things that I simply cant stand.

Master used to say that beating up kids weakens their nervous systems and create obstacles to full development. He used to say that kids who were punished too hard become immune to suffering of both themselves and others and might become sadists. He was very very against it, especially when such physical beating was anywhere around the face or torso. He would say, "Slap gently on the thighs if need be. Or use coconut broom sticks below knees.. Nothing other than that is correct."

Quote
WHY DO WE NEED DISCIPLINE IN THE FIRST PLACE?. I MEAN WHY? WHY CAN'T I DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO.
Because parents are wiser and are responsible for their kids. Kids are too young to know whats right and whats wrong. They need to be GUIDED. They need to be disciplined so that they fit the social fabric, so that they become able citizen, so that they become HUMAN. Discipline comes from "Disciple". Parents are the ones who should stand as examples, but they should try so that their kids grow up to be BETTER than them. Higher! Better! Stronger!! That is the reason to discipline them. I know a kid who likes to play with gas stove knobs. The kid is too young to understand WHY it is wrong. No amount of explanation can tell the kid why it is wrong because the kid is just 3 years old. She learnt to walk and so she walks and does that. This is a clear case of "disciplining" because the mother cannot just always be attentive to that kid. Thats not humanly possible. Hence, she should keep it out of reach AND tell the kid in the way she understands, that it is not approapriate to do it. She can use force of words and deeds to make her kid stay away from it, because scaring the kid about it is much better than letting the kid burn. She can scold, she can punish, if need be. But most of all, she should avoid if she can.

Kids need to be given freedom. We had utmost freedom. But we were given direction. We were trained so that we use our faculties for the best. If that guidance is not there, then value system will not develop and hence we will not know the difference between what is better and what is worse. Thats why we need Discipline.

Mother used to always say great things about Master. Master used to do the same about Amma. Amma kept telling us how much Master loved us and so did Master tell us about Amma. They both used examples from Mahatmas' lives and their own lives and lives of other great people to make us understand what they liked us to do and what they didnt. That gave us direction.

When I was a kid, I used to play with the kids of Master's devotees. I was very fond (dont know why) to buy shoes. I used to buy a lot of them when I was a little kid (4 or 5 years old). Thats what I used to buy. Master used to tell me again and again why its wrong. Never did He beat me or punish me for it. But He made sure that I was not overspending. He would let me buy what ever I want for my birthday WITHIN the budget. He would give me freedom to buy a blue shirt or shoes or both if they fit the budget. He would say "Here, these three hundred rupees.. buy what ever you want". I would typically buy a new cricket bat and a ton of balls with it. He would never say "no, you have to buy clothes and not balls." He would just let me do it, because I am getting what I wanted and I was happy with it AND because I was not buying stuff that is bad for me. Same with Amma.

It was always like that. We were free, but we were given direction. As long as we did nothing wrong, we were totally free. Even when we didnt listen to Him, He would not scold us. For example, although I had a ton of shoes, I hardly wore them. Till I went to delhi after Master left His Body, I was not used to shoes. I loved being barefooted. I loved playing in the bushes and places with other kids, and I used to get so many thorns in my legs. But I liked that more than wearing shoes. Master would tell me to be careful of thorns. But when I got one in my leg He would not scold me saying "I told you to wear shoes.. Why didnt you?" Rather He would say "Oh.. dont worry that you got a thorn in your leg. Stay strong and dont cry. Dwaraka will not cry because of a little thorn now, would he? He would be careful from next time and wear chappals". I had 11 operations on my legs over the years BEFORE I was even 8, because of all the pus and sceptics that happened. But Master never punished me hard for it. He only kept on suggesting. As all that was happening was not too dangerous, He would use it to make me wiser. But He did hit me with those coconut broom sticks when I was wasting time. (1 time only). Usually, He would keep those sticks by His side and that was enough for me to keep straight, haha. He would keep talking about people I liked, like Rama. When ever I made a mistake, He would point out that Rama would never do that and only Ravana would. That was enough.

That is Disciplining kids in the right way. Not beating them up. I was not SCARED or AFRAID that Master would beat me. I was afraid that He might get angry or that Amma might get upset. It was love for Him and Amma, not Fright, that kept me and Akka right.

Jai Sai Master!!

Dwarakanath

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2462
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2008, 03:54:10 AM »
Jai Sai Master!!

Oh.. one more thing.

One thing that I understand now is this. Amma and Master showed supreme confidence in us. Amma in particular, as I remember Her more than Master (I was too young to remember too much of Master). I remember them saying "Dwaraka will not lie. He likes Rama and he does not lie" to others when we were hearing. They would say all those things in such a way that we would ourselves feel confident and would feel bad to transgress the standards that were set for us. When we did miss that mark, they used to get upset, but they even used to provide us excuses themselves!

for example, Master would say "Dwaraka is a terrific intellegent kid. He would finish his homework in a jiffy before school.." and say that to Amma or others in the house. I would hear it and think "yeah.. i am so intelligent. I would do so.." and would do it. But if I forget it or didnt finish it, He would say "Oh.. this is the only time he missed, that too because yesterday he was doing other important stuff like praying to Rama. He doesnot miss it otherwise.." and would say to me "Right? You would not miss it again would you. Yesterday, you missed it because you were doing this other thing and it took all your time. Surely, Rama will not miss His home work, even if He was spending time praying or if anything else happens. Will Dwaraka miss it?" Foolish me, I used to think that it was true. I would take the cue and say "No. I will not miss it again. Yesterday it was like what you said.. otherwise I would have finished it. From next time, however it is, i am not going to miss it.." haha.

That was motivation enough to know that my parents had such confidence. It was fear of falling in their eyes that helped me stay on track.
Just wanted to share.

Jai Sai Master!!

Ananth

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 778
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2008, 04:27:28 AM »
Jai Sai Master, Babu garu..
Jai Sai Master, Sai Bandhus..

Lovely! Just the right tonic for me. I need to develop more patience in answering my daughter. These days, she started asking that perennial, all famous, nerve-shattering, mind-numbing question "Enduku?" ha ha!!

Thank you Babu garu! And I too never liked parents beating them black and blue. Infact, my mom used to fight with even strangers and threaten the parents that she will call poilce (this was in India) if she saw them beating the kid again. My parents too were very very mild mannered in bringing me and my brother up. That's why they were more of friends than parents to me. We could confide in them our deepest fears and share our grandest successes. And all my life, as far as I can remember, they beat me (fairly) only once or twice for my mis deeds.

Regards,
Jai Sai Master!

Ananth
Jai Sai Master!
Jai Swamy Sai!

mamatha

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2008, 10:34:42 AM »
OM SAIRAM

My kid is four and a half years old. He makes a lot of noice. The only thing that bothers me is, what ever we say not to do, he does that only, for example, yestaraday he touched a hot vessel, I was asking him not to touch, but to test me or some thing else, he was eager to see, what curry was there, so he tried to remove the plate on the vessel, and cried a lot after burning his fingers(little).
Like this... so many....
what to do.... ???

OM SAIRAM

Raghuram

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 840
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2008, 10:40:11 AM »
Jai Sai Master!!!

Thnx Dwarakanath garu for sharing your experiences as a kid with Amma garu and Master garu.
I think it is time for me to ask my elder brother to join the forum for his 1 yr old kid!

I wanted to raise this point. Kids spend most of the time at their schools. Schools, now a days might be teaching good English, good science, good Maths etc. but miss the moral values. Kids generally learn somethings from their friends at school which might be bad.
How safe are they at school?

Also, One cannot watch the TV all the time and do all the stupid things and ask their kid not to do it. The change should come in us also. In one of the speeches, Amma garu says how a married couple should behave infront of their kids. If the husband keeps on scolding the wife that she is 'a useless fellow' in front of the kids, they feel that their mother is a useless fellow and behave accordingly.

I think Babu garu will throw more light on these topics.

Jai Sai Master!!!

vasu

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 370
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2008, 11:16:51 AM »
Jai Sai Master!
The environment (or Sangatyam) will have a profound impact. Teach kids Daiva Bhakti, make kids enjoy learning good things, do your best in taking the "weeds" out of the way. 

Babu garu, I request you shed more light on how we do such things all keeping varying natures of kids in mind. OR do they vary?. We do learn from Ramayana that (from the story of Asamanjasa) some kids may be born cruel and some kids (ofcourse, Lord Rama Chandra) are born divine.


Jai Sai Master!
« Last Edit: March 11, 2008, 06:34:35 PM by vasu »

arundhati

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2008, 07:29:44 PM »
Jai sai Master!!!

Dear Babugaru

Starting a kids forum is a great gift for both parents and kids.

For my part, I only pray to Ammagaru and Mastergaru that I make a good parent. With a few exceptions all kids are great. It is the parents who do not undesrtand how to raise them. Most of this comes form not being raised prperly ourselves. Its a vicious cycle.
Another important factor is that while discipling kids we tend to lose control of ourselves. Frustration in another corner of our life gets reflected here in the presence of young, innocent and helpless minds.
Another point is that we do not know which aspect of the child might lead him astray in the future. What pranks they play as a part of their innate creativity, and which attitudes need to be nipped in the bud.


My two kids have proved to be educational experiences to me. I have learnt so much about myself in the guise of raising them!

May God bless me by bestowing patience and love to me.

Jai sai Master!!!

sai17

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2008, 09:04:43 AM »
JAI SAI MASTER!!!

SHRI BABU GARU,

I am really happy to see a new forum about disciplining kids,The secret. It helps alot for the parents espescially for those who are in choas in disciplining  the kids.Babu garu,I am having problems in bringing up my kids . My son will be bossing on me n my daughter.He is an average student, doesnt concentrate on studies,he gets pretty much support from his dad.I dont know how to put my problem here. Pls give me some suggestions . He is in preteens.
Babu garu may I request you to pray for his studies,behaviour n also for his better future.I also pray to Sai master and Sai Baba to give me strength and patience in bringing them well and to be sweet citizens of tomorrow with more of VALUES.

AMMA GARU SHARANAM
MASTER GARU SHARANAM
BABU GARU SHARANAM
SWAMY GARU SHARANAM

JAI SAINATHAYA NAMAHA

soya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 99
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2008, 10:36:36 PM »
Jai Sai Master ,

                  I have few doubts who have single child in their houses.how to raise a single child? I have only one daughter about 5 yrs.and all my friends have only child.
My child sometimes cries that she doesnt have anybody to play with her at home.
same is the case with my friends kids also.we live in USA and dont know how the future will be for our kids who are single and alone.
Could you please help me raising them mentally ,physically strong and happy.
I am worried what If they blame us when they grow up and say about sibbling issue.
I grew up with lots of love and protection from my brother. so i dont know the problem who grew up alone.
But I hear them saying that its like hell having no sibblings (particularly in USA its very pathetic to be all alone for ones parents).
who cant share and get a close feeling.
                                                                       Jai SaiMaster.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2008, 10:59:50 PM by sowjanya »

ravifrom

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 149
    • View Profile
Re: Disciplining Kids, The secret
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2008, 02:03:30 AM »
Jai Sai Master,
A few friends of mine moved to a locality that had significant number of Indians in it....that way they get support they need and can easily make friends...I feel bad that your child has no one to play with....